


The Detours We Love

by Geri_Lea



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-26 23:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5025241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geri_Lea/pseuds/Geri_Lea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Heikki had a plan. To not have one, and yet he somehow winds up working for Sebastian Vettel. Sebastian who had a dead Timer and with his own counting down the last two years till he met his supposed soulmate. And somehow they end up all twisted together in an intense relationship he's not sure either understand.</p><p>In the end, can you beat fate? Trump destiny?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 2012

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually the middle of a much longer over arching story. But seeing Heikki around in pictures and gifs again made me wants to write some Seikki. And I don't see a reason why this can't be viewed as a stand alone piece. And maybe posting this will inspire me finish the rest of the story.
> 
> If you have seen the movie Timer then you can probably skip the notes. For those of you that haven't (and I would very much recommend the movie) it's an AU where people from the age of 14 can receive a Timer. A device that is implanted into your wrist, and tells you the exact time you will meet your soulmate, 'The One'. Of course it isn't always about love at first sight, and not everyone's Timer countdowns from the moment they receive it, your other half has to have a Timer too - if they don't your Timer remains blank, waiting to countdown. A Timer will only go off when you look into the eyes of the person you are destined to be with.
> 
> I made a few tweaks to the universe, but ultimately the same premise applies.

“I got you a job.”

That’s how Tommi starts the conversation. And Heikki has a thousand things to say in response, most would make his mother’s ears burn at his language. But he didn’t need anyone stepping in thinking they could somehow fix his problems.

“Well you’ll need to meet him. Sebastian. But I personally recommended you, so the only way you can fuck it up is by not turning up.”

Heikki just fixes his friend with a piercing stare resisting the urge to punch him square in the face. Lately it seemed like everyone thought they had an answer, that they could somehow bring back ‘old Heikki’. Like old Heikki was lost and not dead. Old Heikki was dead. And the quicker people realised that, the quicker they could leave him alone.

“Sebastian is…” Tommi is clearly trying to think up the right word but he shrugs. “I think Sebastian will be good for you. He’s a…”

“World champion?” It’s all Heikki would offer. It wasn’t like he wasn’t aware of who his friend had been training and working with, it wasn’t like he hadn’t heard Tommi go on and on and on about Sebastian. Tommi might as well be in love with him with the way he always lit up just by saying or hearing his name. 

“Yeah that too,” Tommi says. “Meet him. Take the job. For a year. For me.”

“Don’t fix my problems.”

“I’m not, I’m giving you a job.”

Heikki shakes his head because it wasn’t that simple. No one made anything simple anymore. “I’ll meet him, I’ll turn down the job in person.”

Tommi just smiles at him and agrees, like that would be enough for him, or worse, like it would be too late for him to back out. 

*

Heikki hates him. Hates him the first moment he sees him. No one oozed that much fucking happiness, he was all smiles and full of eagerness, face bright. People shouldn’t be that happy. Pursing his lips, all Heikki can think of doing is sucking it all away, he hates it. Hates him.

He takes the job. He forgot to say no somewhere in the conversation. And it’s only when they’re shaking hands does he glance at his wrist, at the Timer imbedded there. It was blank; dead to be more accurate. He blinks and then Sebastian was hurrying away to a meeting and Heikki can only stare after the supposed happy driver. 

Was it just a face? A mask? Who had Sebastian lost? That’s what a dead Timer indicated – your one had died. And Heikki hated him a little more now, because he didn’t need to be having extra questions rolling around in his head.

*

Sebastian seems incredibly excited to give him a tour of the factory. It was their first day. Tour, meet the team, workout. Well that’s what Sebastian said was happening, why he needed a sheet of paper to tell him that Heikki wasn’t sure.

“You look good.” Sebastian’s gaze studies him from head to toe, almost too closely. Heikki doesn’t like it and sucking his breath in he looks down. It was his first time wearing Red Bull. “Suits you.” More endless ceasing fucking smiles and it’s all Heikki can do to remind himself that he doubted any of it was real, it stops him from reaching out and slapping it away.

Everything Sebastian shows him in the factory is done with the same over enthusiastic approach. Everyone he introduces might be Sebastian’s best friend. It should of felt fake, but there was something genuine between each greeting Sebastian gave to his team, all different, all unique. 

Heikki keeps silent and watches. He was waiting to find that loose thread, that crack in his armour, something that showed him the real Sebastian. 

It doesn’t come. Not even after Heikki has left him an exhausted mess on a mat in the gym, trying to catch his breath.

“You’re cruel,” Sebastian gasps to him.

Heikki stares down, not flinching at the words. “I’ve been called worse.” Grabbing Sebastian’s drink bottle he refills it ignoring the curious look he was being given.

*

Within three weeks, he finds himself at his first test, and staring at cars and those that cared for them as if they were children. It was a very different world than what he had experienced. He hated to admit that he didn’t hate it.

“So two years?” Britta breaks his trance with the question. She nods at his wrist and the timer that was embedded. “Well a little more if my math is right.”

Heikki drops his eyes to his Timer. He forgot sometimes that it was embedded into his wrist. He stares at the countdown, it had been counting down since he was eighteen, and it was nothing that really excited him. If he had been more forceful with his parents, he wouldn’t have gotten one, especially now. He had no interest in meeting anyone new, let alone his supposed ‘one’.

“I try not think about it,” he responds finally looking back up at Sebastian’s assistant. Britta raises her eyebrows and then smiles broadly. “What?” he asks suspiciously.

“I think that is the most honest you’ve been since you took the job.” She spends the rest of the day looking like she’d won some personal challenge and Heikki is annoyed with himself. He should learn to keep his mouth shut, especially since it meant that Britta now took his ‘openness’ to join him for lunch and engage in small chat whenever she had the chance. 

For some reason he couldn’t tell her to get lost. Come the end of the test, he thinks Britta has declared them friends. At least it seems to piss off Sebastian for some reason. That felt like a small win for him.

*  
Heikki’s favourite part of the job was this. He watches his hands slide along Sebastian’s back, fingers pressing into muscles that loosened under his touch. This was easy, this came naturally, and Sebastian was silent, except for the occasional little sighs that escaped him.

Nearly three months into the job and it was the first race. It wasn’t what he expected, but neither was Sebastian. He had decided none of it was the worst thing in the world, but if he was told tomorrow he didn’t have the job, he wouldn’t care. Sebastian was still not his favourite person, he was still so… happy didn’t even feel like the right word anymore. Heikki wasn’t sure what to call it, only that despite their subdued relationship, being around Seb was… nice. 

Because no matter how hard Sebastian tried, Heikki was completely certain that every smile, every happy expression was a mask. And there was something comforting about knowing he wasn’t the only one wearing a face that was expected.

“You know, Tommi didn’t massage me with a towel,” Sebastian interrupts him shifting the towel a little further down to work on his lower back.

Heikki stills. He hated that phrase, ‘Tommi didn’t’ or ‘Tommi would do’. He wasn’t Tommi. Sebastian never said it was malice but it made Heikki stiffen each time. “It’s appropriate.”

Sebastian props himself up on his arms and Heikki grits his teeth because Sebastian was meant to be silent. Why couldn’t he just be silent for thirty minutes? “You know, Tommi massages my butt after the race, so I’m just saying the towel will be pointless…”

Heikki snatches the towel from Sebastian and hurls it to the floor. Sebastian turns and grins at him, very amused at apparently seeing him lose control. “Do not test me Sebastian,” Heikki warns and Sebastian has the decency to at least drop the smile from his face, his eyes were still laughing at him.

“Turn over,” Heikki orders. The smile in his eyes vanishes when they dart to his towel on the floor. Heikki raises an eyebrow that sees Sebastian huff and roll onto his back. Heikki does nothing to hide the fact that he stared blatantly at his cock and it was nothing to do with want or lust. He was enjoying being able to make Sebastian uncomfortable.

“I’ll need to see you naked now,” Sebastian says when Heikki starts working on his thighs a few minutes later. “It’s fair.”

“No,” Heikki answers coldly. Sebastian’s smile wavers and he sighs before closing his eyes. Heikki knows he’s trying to find a way in, that it annoys him that he hadn’t worked him out, but that was fine. He didn’t need Sebastian worming his way into his life.  
“You want to see me naked you’ll need to get me into bed.” The words are accompanied by a smile and Heikki freezes, hating himself for letting that one slip.

Sebastian pops himself up on his elbows, grin firmly back in place. “Is that a challenge or an offer?”

“Neither. It’s a fact.”

Sebastian lies back down, and Heikki can tell it wasn’t to be silent, he was thinking. Heikki walks to stand by his head, pressing his thumb between Sebastian’s eyebrows where his brow was furrowed in thought. “Don’t,” Heikki orders. He knew that Sebastian was coming up with ways for him to be naked.

“Okay, we’re on an island, we’ve been trapped for weeks,” Sebastian was clearly not going to let this go no matter how hard Heikki dug his finger in. “We haven’t showered, and we come across a sophisticated tribe who offers us a shower, but there’s a catch.”

“Of course there is,” Heikki responds dryly.

“There’s only one shower and we both need to be showered in five minutes…”

“I’m not showering with you,” Heikki makes the answer to the scenario clear yanking his hand back.

“Well you’ll need to shower, they’re cannibals and they’re not going to want to eat us dirty,” Sebastian states.

Heikki stares at him. This was the most ridiculous conversation he’d been a part of. “Stop talking.” He does, but Heikki can feel something shift between them. He doesn’t like it.

*

Heikki’s changed his opinion on Sebastian slightly. They’re a few races in now and he’s had the opportunity to watch him work, not just train. It was odd to see the happy, carefree attitude he was used to from Sebastian disappear, even if he was sure it wasn’t genuine in the first place. In its stead comes a focus he hadn’t seen anyone possess before. 

There was only one thing that mattered about each race that Sebastian prepared for, and that was to win it. He enjoyed it if he was honest, watching Sebastian work with his engineers, to see him push, try and take every edge he could get whether he needed it not. He wanted everything, not just a win, no he had to have it all, fast laps, poles… In an odd way, it’s breathtaking, he revels in it and not just because Sebastian was his client, his boss, but because sometimes he was sure he was seeing something else in the F1 driver. Greatness.

It was nice to be at the edge of it. To see it. He didn’t need more. Didn’t want more. In fact, it felt like more of a reason to keep his distance in some ways. 

However, it seemed no matter how much Sebastian applied himself there’s no win come the third race. And after the Chinese Grand Prix, Heikki offers his encouragement, “There’s always next race.” It was late, and he’d waited for Sebastian to finish up his postrace briefings to accompany him back to the hotel. 

Sebastian who had been leaning against the edge of the lift, staring at his feet looks up, eyes piercing at him. “I want to win,” he states bluntly. “I want to win them all. Every race. I don’t want seconds or thirds. I want all of them. Every race.” 

Heikki blinks before he gives him a hint of a smile. He thinks this might be the most honest Sebastian had ever been with him, in the sense he wasn’t trying to pry his way in. “You will win again,” Heikki promises, “I know you will.” He was so certain, someone with so much drive doesn’t fail.

Sebastian blinks at him, gives a tiny nod seemingly happy with Heikki’s conviction in him. The annoyance was gone but so had the fire, he now looked tired.

As they walk out, Heikki lets his hand fall to the back of Sebastian’s neck. “Do you want a massage? Something to relax?”

Sebastian looks grateful at the suggestion. “Yeah. Yeah that would be nice.”

It was the first massage Heikki had given that didn’t really have a purpose around Sebastian’s racing and training. It was the first massage he had given Sebastian that was gentle and meant to be soothing rather than his quick and often hard efficient massages. And hearing Sebastian sigh, feeling the tension ease from the muscles beneath his hands with each stroke, giving him something back after he worked so hard, was the first time he felt like he might have done something right. 

“Thanks,” Sebastian murmurs genuinely when they’re done.

“Any time,” Heikki responds, and Sebastian gives him a tired smile and Heikki felt a need to hug him, promise him that it was all going to be okay. But Sebastian turns away to crawl into bed and Heikki leaves. 

*

Bahrain. Fourth race and it was the perfect race. Sebastian on pole, fastest lap and ultimately the win. The sheer joy he gave us off was almost intoxicating. After the race Sebastian is seemingly jumping into everyone arms, including his and Heikki barely registers to hug him back before Sebastian has bounded over to the next person. He was beaming and Heikki would definitely agree with Sebastian, winning was everything.

However, celebrating wasn’t something he was really in the mood for. It’s easy to slip away, head to the bar in the hotel, if you could call it that in Bahrain and just sit. The silence of the place was comforting compared to the noise back in the garage. 

“I’ll have another,” Heikki grunts at the bartender who raises his eyebrows but sets about making him another drink. Heikki doesn’t raise his eyes as he finishes off his current glass eyes fixed on the small photo in his fingers, edges worn as he brushes his thumb absently across the face that he knew nearly as well as his own.

He stiffens at the warmth that presses into his side. Sebastian. “Tommi said I would find you at a bar.” 

Heikki immediately flicks the photo over and into his palm. His life was not Sebastian’s, despite the fact that on quite a few levels, it was very much the reverse.

“Who’s that?” Sebastian reaches for his hand, fucking curious shit.

“No one. Have you finished celebrating?” Heikki changes the subject, turning to look at him, see how drunk he’d gotten himself. His cheeks were a little flushed, he must have had a couple for his win, but he wasn’t plastered.

“Yes, but I was looking for you…” Sebastian’s eyes hold a question and Heikki relaxes a little because Tommi had clearly not told Sebastian more than necessary. “Are you okay?”

“I am fine Sebastian,” he moves to get to his feet. He figures the easiest way to end this conversation would be to head back to their rooms. He’d put Sebastian to bed and then… he’d work that out after.

Grabbing his wallet he moves to tip the bartender letting Sebastian take his fresh glass.

“What are you drinking?” He sniffs it and Heikki smiles just a little when Sebastian takes at tentative sip. He grins surprised, “Water?”

“I was taught to not drown your sorrows in alcohol,” he explains ignoring the smile that disappears from Sebastian’s face at those words. “Let’s go.”

Sebastian reaches past him though, grasping the picture from the bar he didn’t remember dropping. Heikki has the overwhelming urge to tear the picture from Sebastian’s fingers, shout at him to leave him alone, back off, keep out of his life, but instead he’s gone rigid with silence.

“He sort of looks like you,” Sebastian’s comment is quiet and Heikki reacts, grabbing the photo from him angrily. “Your brother?”  
Shoving the photo back in his pocket, he spins on his heel walking out of the bar, knowing that leaving wasn’t an escape, Sebastian follows him, legs moving quickly to keep up with his quick pace. He won’t give Sebastian an inch right now. His life was not Sebastian’s business and he hated that he could practically hear Sebastian screaming a thousand questions at him even if none of them were spoken aloud.

At the elevator he stabs at the button repeatedly till Sebastian’s hands covers his and pulling it away. No words, and Heikki hadn’t realised how ragged his breathing had gotten, but it eases, Sebastian’s hand still holding his, squeezing, fingers trying to push between his, grip him. 

He stares at their hands. At Sebastian holding his hand. He should pull it back. Tell Sebastian to fuck off. But it was nice. And he was tired. And so sore. 

Sebastian tugs him into the elevator. Sebastian selects their floor. Sebastian leads him to his room, bypassed his door. All in silence. Heikki liked the silence, to not think.

In Sebastian’s room, Sebastian still holds his hand, kicking his shoes from his feet in the doorway. Heikki lets himself be led to the bed where Sebastian releases his hand and he feels an immediate overwhelming surge of cold hit him. His lips part in a silent gasp.

“Stay,” Sebastian orders holding up his hands, and Heikki just watches as Sebastian dismantles the bed of too many pillows, pulling back the covers. He pats the sheets, “Sit.” 

Heikki does where Sebastian immediately tackles his shoes. 

“You can sleep here tonight,” Sebastian says flinging his shoes around the room carelessly. He jumps to his feet with far too much bounce before shoving at his shoulders. “Sleep.”

“Sebastian,” Heikki tries to protest, he needed to protest at some point.

“Shhh,” Sebastian says moving to turn off the lights.

Heikki pulls the covers up uncertainly, aware that Sebastian was undressing, doing something. It’s distracting, and only seeing a darkened figure moving in the room wasn’t pleasant. When the bed dips on the other side, Sebastian crawling under the covers, Heikki’s breath catches in his throat. But it was the fact that Sebastian shifted right against him, an arm and a leg hooking over him, hugging him tightly that had tears burning in his eyes.

“Mark says I’m fucking clingy,” Sebastian’s voice breaks the silence, uncertainty clear. He wanted Heikki to assure him he wasn’t overstepping.

The only response Heikki gives is to roll into Sebastian, give in and take what he wanted. His arms slide around Sebastian, pull him closer, face pressing into his throat. Closing his eyes, he breathed and soaked up the warmth from the only person that offered. And maybe the only person who he wanted to offer.

It was the first time since he worked for Sebastian that Sebastian looked after him and not vice versa. And Heikki never wanted to leave this space.

*  
Heikki awakes early. He always does. He blinks, stares at the clock next to the bed. Early.

It takes a moment to realise why someone was draped over his back, hugging him like he was a giant teddy. An arm and a leg thrown over him, face resting on his back. He was in bed with Sebastian. Remembering last night, he smiles. It’s the first time he doesn’t get up immediately.

He lies there, with Sebastian sleeping on him, listening to his calm, steady breaths brushing his neck. It was nice and soothing and Heikki closes his eyes, enjoying this far more than he probably should. It would be once only. Nothing to be attached too.

Sebastian stirs nearly an hour later, mumbling and trying to crawl further on top him. Heikki shifts then, tries to dislodge himself, he should get up, make this less embarrassing.

“Don’t,” Sebastian grumbles trying to clutch at him. “I don’t want to get up.”

“Bathroom,” Heikki grunts, at some point he’d need to give in to the pressing need of his bladder.

He’s released from the clutches of his driver. When he returns, Sebastian had kicked off the covers and was stretching. “You’re a very still and quiet sleeper,” he comments. “I thought you might be dead at a few points.”

“If I was, it’s because you strangled me,” Heikki informs him bluntly moving to find his shoes. Sebastian makes no claim of denial.

“We can have breakfast together in bed,” Sebastian smiles at him hopefully. 

“I should go shower and pack for our flights, and so should you,” Heikki though stares at the bed and the spot next to Sebastian. It would be so tempting to crawl back in.

“Fine,” Sebastian pouts but there was no argument. Heikki wishes there was.

“We’ll have breakfast together after. I’ll come back,” he promises.

Sebastian immediately lights up and Heikki smiles back. Yes he knew he was digging himself a hole. He'd work out how to get out later.

*  
Heikki was looking forward to his break. A week off, a week to get away from Sebastian who seemed to be worming his way under his skin like no one else had before. He wasn’t sure he liked it. Space would be good.

Finland. Hockey. Home.

Two days into his leave and he has a text from Sebastian.

I’m going to come visit you.

It had made his mouth flicker into a smile. He wasn’t sure if he should feel better that maybe Sebastian had similar issues as he did, or wary. 

Enjoy your break. You don’t need me to babysit you this week.

No. I’ll babysit you. Give me your address.

Heikki does and that evening he opens his door to Sebastian, his smile right there and Heikki reaches to touch it, before his hand stills between them. “I don’t need a babysitter,” he speaks to break the growing silence, it felt tense. Everything felt tight.

“Do I get a tour?” Sebastian pushes past him, nosily looking around the apartment that wasn’t his.

“It’s not my place. I use it when I go home. Space from my parents.” He’d moved to Switzerland for Sebastian, he didn’t have a home as such anymore in Finland. Just this place.

Sebastian had dropped his things right in the middle of the room, walking over to a shelf to look at photos. Heikki walks over when he holds up one of him. “Don’t,” he orders coldly. Sebastian digging into his life was not something he wanted.  
“He is your brother isn’t he?” Sebastian pushes quietly, but he lets the photo go, eyes scanning over the others.

“Yes. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Is this his place?” Sebastian moves to keep looking at the place and Heikki follows him on his self-guided tour, trying to not lose it at the never ending questions. He finally snaps.

“I’ll tell you all about my brother if you tell me why your Timer is blank and who died.” He wishes he’d phrased the question less blutly, Sebastian had gone so still, and the way the colour slowly disappears from his face made him regret asking. 

It feels like the silence is never ending, but of course it’s Sebastian that ends it. Silence was something that he would never excel in. “How many bedrooms?”

His brother’s apartment had one bedroom. Not that Sebastian cared, not that he cared when Sebastian declared they’d be sleeping together. And for some reason they both end up deciding to have an early night. Heikki refuses to think it was a reason to just get back into bed together. 

They lay in the dark, both on their stomachs, facing each other, and Heikki’s eyes slowly adjust to take in more of Sebastian’s face. Sebastian was watching him.

“Heikki,” Sebastian’s voice soft and unsure. 

“Yes Sebastian.”

“If I tell you about my Timer, will you tell me about your brother?”

“No,” Heikki doesn’t even have to think about his answer.

“No one died.” 

Apparently Sebastian doesn’t care what he answered, and Heikki didn’t doubt he was going to be expected to share his sob story at some point now. It would probably be rude to tell Sebastian to shut up, so he squeezes his eyes closed and tries not to listen.

“I mean, I know that’s what it looks like. But my, “one”,” The movement from Sebastian probably indicated he was making air quotation marks as he spoke, but Heikki wasn’t looking he was still trying not to pay attention, “Hates me so much they ripped it out.”

Heikki opens his eyes at that. He had never heard of anyone removing a Timer. He wasn’t sure it was even possible. 

“They hate me. I’m sure on more than one occasion they wished I was dead. And then at the end of last year… my Timer just went dead. Gone. I thought he’d died at first. But no, he’d rather just undergo an apparently excruciating procedure and try and remove our destiny.”

Heikki lets out a shaky breath. He could say something witty, but it would probably come across cold, maybe silence really was the only possible response right now. His wrist twitches when there are fingers moving over his Timer.

“At least you still have yours. Do you believe in happy endings?” It was such an innocent question.

“No.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian pushes into him then. “Me neither. Destiny is shit. Life is shit.”  
There wasn’t anything more true that Sebastian had spoken to him, yet hearing that come from him, someone that he was sure had once been that positive and happy person that bounded around the team garage that was now simply an imitation, felt so wrong. He rolled over and hugged him then, and despite wanting to promise him happy endings in life, he wasn’t sure they existed, and lying wasn’t something he needed to throw into the mix.

“You know why I like you? Because you don’t bullshit. It’s a thing with Finns I think, no bullshit. Ever.” That has Heikki smile, because there was definitely truth there. “But sometimes I want more,” he confesses quietly.

“More what?” The tension from earlier is back, and Heikki tries to ignore it, his fingers sliding under his pillow to bunch at the sheets.

“You,” Is breathed out into the darkness, Heikki blinks slowly as Sebastian’s lips form the word.

“You have me. You’re my employer.” His voice sounds like it trembles.

Sebastian shakes his head. “No I don’t. I can’t even touch you.”

Heikki knows he’s not talking physically. Sebastian wants more of him. Sebastian wants to take every part of him. Wants to consume him. Heikki isn’t sure he’d survive that. 

“I want more,” Sebastian repeats it again, voice a little firmer, stronger. Like he’d made up his mind and Heikki purses his lips.

“I don’t have more,” Heikki’s response more than an attempt to dash Sebastian’s hope, it was the truth.

There’s the longest silence that Heikki thought the conversation was done. He closes his eyes as Sebastian speaks again.

“You’re lying.” And then Sebastian rolls over, back to him as he settles down to sleep. 

Heikki isn’t sure if that was Sebastian setting a challenge, or accepting that this would be all he gets. He tells himself it’s the latter knowing full well it was the former.

*

“We have to leave in a few days,” Sebastian comments at breakfast.

Heikki looks up from writing his nutritional plan for the upcoming race. He was meant to have it to Britta by lunch so she could ensure the appropriate food would be on offer.

“I was thinking…”

Heikki looks up to see Sebastian stirring his breakfast in his bowl, and a hopeful look on his face. “No,” he says before the question can even be asked.

“You could teach me ice hockey before we go home.”

“I said no Sebastian,” Heikki goes back to his plan.

“It’ll be good for training.”

“It won’t help your training.”

“Well then fine, it’ll just be fun.”

“No.”

“You can like fun things you know. Tommi said you love ice hockey, so why won’t you teach me?”

“And why can’t you ask Tommi?” Heikki snaps at him.

“Because I want to play it with you,” Sebastian slams his spoon into his bowl clearly pissed off now.

“Well too bad. I said no. So stop asking! I’m your trainer Sebastian. Not your friend!” He hadn’t meant to shout that, and it immediately sees Sebastian stand up, chair toppling over as he does.

“Fine!” Sebastian shouts at him. “You be my trainer and sit here, and sulk in your sad little world! I don’t even fucking care! I don’t even know why you asked me to come here.”

Heikki stares at him coldly, gripping his pencil tight as he sucks in his breath, he didn’t like that Sebastian’s words stung. “I didn’t. You invited yourself,” he tells him coldly.

“Fuck you.” Sebastian grabs his bowl, slams into the sink, possible shattering it from the force before there is much stomping followed by a slammed front door.

Heikki tries to keep his breathing calm. He didn’t care. He really didn’t fucking care that Sebastian was having a tantrum. Not one bit. 

He finishes off his nutritional plan and emails it to Britta before he tries to phone Sebastian. He doesn’t get an answer. And it’s only when the worry was creeping in later that evening does he get a call from Tommi.

“Come pick up your wonder boy,” Tommi says bluntly. “Before he pukes in my carpet.” 

“Fuck.” Just what he needed. Tommi nosing in his business more than usual.

When he makes it to Tommi’s his friend looked peeved off. “You’re not even trying to be nice are you?”

Heikki doesn’t answer and follows Tommi through to the living room. There was Sebastian, spread out on the floor looking very still. “How much vodka did you give him?”

Tommi snorts. “Barely anything. He’s a complete lightweight.”

“Am not!” The response is muffled into the rug beneath him.

Heikki kneels down next to him. “You look like a fucking dead star fish right now.”

“And you’re fucking fired!”

Snorting Heikki’s response is, “I wish.”

“You don’t think you are? I can find a new trainer. Tommi will come back. Tommi was a much better trainer.”

Heikki had lifted Sebastian to a sitting position and those words make him want to slam Sebastian back into the ground. It’s funny how quickly Tommi was helping then, shooting him warning looks and mouthing at him to shut up.

“You want Tommi back, go for it. I’m more than happy to be fired. You’re a pain the ass.”

“Good. Settled.” Sebastian gives a startled cry as Heikki practically rips him to his feet.

“You’re selfish.”

“Am not!”

“You’re demanding.”

“Yes, I’m demanding your resignation!”

“Oh my god,” Tommi looks between them, “I’m going to fucking smash both your heads together. Is Britta even surviving this right now?”

“Shut up!” Both Sebastian and Heikki shout at him, one in German and one in Finnish.

Heikki moves to rip open the car door, shoving Sebastian inside, not caring that he had slammed his head on the way in. A concussion might knock some sense into him. He whirls around then to face Tommi who was wearing a ‘what the fuck is going on face?’

“Don’t,” Heikki hisses pointing a finger at him. “Just keep your mouth shut. And do me a favour,” he says as stomps around to the other side of the car, “Don’t do me anymore favours.”  
The drive was silence. The dragging of Sebastian to bed is in silence. It’s only when Heikki moves over him to try and take some clothes off so Sebastian could at least be semi comfortable that Heikki loses it; Sebastian being an uncooperative child that he is was. He grasps Sebastian chin, holding it tightly as he stares at him hard.

“Stop it,” Heikki orders. “Just stop now.” 

Sebastian blinks, some of the anger leaving his eyes.

“This is it Seb. This is everything I have right now. I can’t give you more. So please, stop it.”

The only sound was both their heavy breathing, and when Heikki moves to take off his jacket, Sebastian complies, but it comes with a quiet request.

“Teach me to play hockey tomorrow?”

Heikki feels like he can’t breathe and Sebastian just stares at him. It feels like he can’t escape and the little air that existed in the tiny room was disappearing faster than he could breathe it in.

Sebastian keeps staring, keeps waiting for an answer. And at some point there’s a breathed out, “Okay.” Heikki feels smashed in his defeat.

And then the fight is over and just like that, they’re both asleep in minutes.

*  
Sebastian is skating around much too happily on the ice. Heikki was trying very hard not to glare at him and his smug face. For someone that was so plastered, he hadn’t forgotten that he’d agreed. At least he could inflict some pain. One swipe of his stick sees Sebastian slam onto his back on the ice.

“Ow!” The yelp doesn’t being about any empathy.

“Houvenin!” Tommi who was on the sidelines shakes his head. “He has a race. Don’t damage him!”

“Well he was the one that wanted a lesson,” he snaps back. “Go back to your fucking phone.” Maybe asking Tommi along was a bad idea, but at the time, having Tommi around had felt like a safe option. 

“Who are you texting anyway?” Sebastian clumsily gets back to his feet, glaring at Heikki as he does.

“Raikkonen. Just filling him in on all this.” Tommi point between the two of them and his given a dual death glare. “He’s looking forward to seeing you soon Sebi.”

Sebastian holds up a glove. “I’m giving you the finger right now for the record.”

“Ready,” Heikki demands his attention, pushing the puck between them.

“Are you going to knock me over again?” Sebastian asks skating back into position.

“Definitely,” Heikki promises.

“You’re still fired.” This time Sebastian hits the ice harder than before. 

“Don’t make promises you won’t keep,” Heikki says staring down at him.

Sebastian moves his lips but there’s no sound. Heikki stops skating. “Seb?”

Sebastian sits up as Tommi joins them on the ice, Heikki yanking off his helmet. “I’m just winded,” he gasps. “Give me a minute.”

Tommi pushes Heikki hard, knocking him off balance. “Stop being an asshole.”

“It’s okay,” Sebastian mutters getting to his feet again, for the millionth time. “I’m deciding I hate hockey. A lot.” He glares at Heikki who purses his lips.

Heikki attempts to get to his feet only to have Tommi shove him back over as he skates away. Sebastian stands over him grinning smugly. Heikki thinks today might be the worst day since he took this job. 

By the end of the hour, he’s not sure who hated their ‘training’ session more, Sebastian who would surely be sporting bruises on his ass, or him who was on the end of receiving catty remarks from both Sebastian and Tommi. And it’s when their done, Sebastian ripping of his gloves and helmet that he looks over at Heikki, “You didn’t have to make today so miserable for both us.”

“And this is where I leave,” Tommi gives Sebastian a hard hug while Heikki receives a hard shove and an annoyed look. Clearly everyone hated him.

The moment Tommi was gone from earshot, Sebastian whirls around to glare at him. “Tommi was definitely a better trainer.” 

If Sebastian hadn’t pulled off his helmet, Heikki would have shoved him off his feet again. “You don’t win this game this game between us Sebastian,” Heikki answers coldly. “You don’t win.” He sits down and begins taking off his skates, and Sebastian does the same, both in silence.

*  
Their very brief timeout ends and their both back at races. And at least routine sees some of the tension ease between them. The silence ceasing as they’re forced to communicate, to talk, to plan and prepare. It also doesn’t help that Britta was there staring at both of them just like Tommi had, it earned her annoyed glances from both of them if she dared comment.

For someone that Heikki was sure that he didn’t want to have around, the distance between him and Sebastian over the weekend felt foreign and wrong. Standing at the back of the garage, next to Sebastian who was polishing his helmet, dutifully ignoring had him feeling more alone than he had all year. He didn’t like it, he wants to lean across and tell him he was sorry. 

It’s not a great weekend for Sebastian, there’s no win and the season was dragging on with only one win to date. And unlike previous races he doesn’t go after Sebastian to cheer him up or more accurately provide him a distraction. Deciding to skip the bar, he decides a walk and some fresh air might help clear his head. Stepping into the elevator he joins Sebastian’s teammate.

Mark gives him a tight smile, one that Heikki returns with a cold glare. It was no secret how much Mark and Sebastian didn’t get along. While he had yet to witness any spats there was a tension in the Red Bull camp he hadn’t felt really in any of the other teams. Fixing his gaze on the descending numbers he watches them slowly creep towards the ground floor.

And with a gentle jerk the elevator stops. Between floor 2 and 3.

“Fuck,” Mark curses reaching out to slam the down button.

Heikki thinks this might be the perfect end to a shit weekend. He doesn’t stop Mark pushing all the buttons, maybe one would work… He freezes his gaze on Mark’s arm. Considering he’d been here half a year he hadn’t really taken much notice of Mark, after all he and Sebastian were busy with the ‘don’t talk to me’ mode with each other. But Heikki wishes he had paid more attention, eyes glued to the heavy and angry looking scar on his wrist, right where a timer should be.

“… hates me so much they had their timer removed…”

The conversation he had with Sebastian burns in his head and Heikki’s breathing slows down. No, no way that Mark and Sebastian had zeroed out. They hated each other, he had heard the stories from 2010, he had seen Mark with Ann, there was no doubt they were in love and together…

“Mark says I’m fucking clingy…”

He wants his head to just shut up and stop spitting out random pieces at him. He fucking got it, and he also fucking got it that he was now stuck in the damn elevator with Mark.  
He stands stoic in the corner letting Mark speak on the phone to security before he finally gives him a tight smile. “They’re on it,” he shrugs before he moves to sit down. Heikki hesitates before joining him, sitting opposite which was the furtherest he could be away from him.

For a long while they stare at one another. Mark breaks the silence. “Are the rumours true?”

Heikki simply raises an eyebrow.

“You and Vettel?”

Heikki snorts. “No. Definitely not.” It annoys him that Mark doesn’t look like he believed him. Pursing his lips, Heikki decides to hell with it. “Are the rumours true? You and Vettel?” He blatantly stares at his wrist.

The laugh Mark gives was hollow and he shakes his head as he rubs his face. “Want to know something mate? Fuck Timers. Fuck fate, it’s a cruel bitch.” 

That wasn’t an answer. But he doubts Mark would give him one and the jolt of the elevator beneath them sees them both get to his feet as it starts moving. When they reach the lobby Mark walks out and Heikki stares after him. Sucking in a deep breath he pushes the button to return his own floor.

However he walks past his door to his suite and goes one further. Sebastian throws it open blinking in surprise to see him. “Hi,” he greets startled.

Heikki doesn’t wait for an invitation, instead steps forward till Sebastian has to shuffle backwards into the room and he closes the door. “You want to know my sob story?”

“No. Not really,” Sebastian answers crossing his arms and looking ready to be on the defensive.

“Well shut up, because this is it. Two years ago I was driving home from an ice hockey game with my brother. He was driving. It was late. He’d had a few drinks, so had I. He less than me, I was in no condition to drive. We should have got a taxi.” Heikki stares at Sebastian hard, not pausing because if he did, maybe he wouldn’t get to the end. “The road was icy. He lost control. We crashed. Have you ever watched someone die in front of you Sebastian? Ever seen the light go out of someone’s eyes? He died and I walked away without a scratch. That’s it. That’s the story.”

Sebastian stares at him, arms falling limply to his side. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, he looked upset. “Heikki I’m sorry.”

Heikki moves towards him, grasps at his wrist that held his Timer. “But you know what that’s like don’t you. To lose someone.”

Sebastian looks confused at the sudden switch in topics.

“Do you love him still? He isn’t dead. You could walk down the hall and knock on his door if you wanted to.”

He can feel how still Sebastian goes, knows he stopped breathing at the question. Heikki wraps his fingers tightly around the wrist in his grasp. “Well? Do you?”

“I don’t know,” Sebastian whispers and Heikki swears there was fear in his eyes. He thinks Sebastian was afraid to acknowledge the truth, he was in love with someone that didn’t want him, didn’t love him back.

“Do you think we’re the same?” Heikki asks. Sebastian shakes his head and the tug Sebastian makes to pull his hand free only has Heikki tighten his grip to the point that it verged on painful. “We’re not. You lost no one. I lost someone forever. We’re not the same. At all. Do you get that?”

“Let. Me. Go.” Sebastian’s demand sounded sure, but it didn’t match his eyes that held fear and hurt. Heikki throws his hand at him. Sebastian immediately rubs at his wrist. “I’m sorry your brother died,” he says quietly.

“I wish I could give you condolences but no one died,” Heikki tells him bluntly, and there’s immediate tears in Sebastian’s eyes at that. Yes it was a low blow, but right now, making Sebastian feel pain was easier than him having to deal with his own and the sudden jealousy spiralling in his gut that Sebastian and Mark were some sort of thing. That Sebastian loved Mark Webber.

When he turns to leave Sebastian calls out, “Heikki.” Turning around, Sebastian looks at him pleadingly, “No one knows. No one, not even my dad. So please…”

“I signed a confidentiality agreement Sebastian. My lips are sealed. Now why don’t you go give your teammate a call? Maybe he’ll let you strangle him to death in his sleep.” 

It’s not until he’s standing on the other side of the door, does Heikki let out shuddering breaths. He feels like everything around him was falling apart, and he had no idea what the fuck was wrong with him. It felt like his chest was being ripped into. It wasn’t like losing his brother, no this was different… his heart hurt. He goes to bed, stares at the ceiling and blinks away tears. 

*  
Have you ever hurt someone so badly that all you saw when you looked at them after that day was how much you shredded them up? Heikki knew he could be cold and a grump, but he had never really set about hurting someone intentionally. And seeing Sebastian the next morning, shielding swollen red eyes behind his shades has his chest squeeze painfully.

All Heikki can think of doing is pulling him aside. Tell him how sorry he is, hug him, shower him in kisses and beg him to forgive him. But Sebastian seems to somehow successfully dodge him all day. So Heikki sends him a text message. And when that leads to no response, he sends another. And another.

And for training that afternoon, they run the track. Sebastian ensuring he keeps ahead at all times, like this was somehow a race. Heikki lets him win and when they’re done Sebastian walks off without a glance back. Britta passes him a towel raising her eyebrows.

“What did you do?”

“Shove my nose where it doesn’t belong,” Heikki answers.

Britta gives him an encouraging smile. “Give him some space. He likes you Heikki. He’ll forgive you.”

Heikki nods. He takes her advice and doesn’t pursue Sebastian for the rest of the weekend. It’s a miserable weekend. There’s no win at the end of it. 

*  
When Heikki sees Sebastian between the races, go around to his place to train him. Sebastian is very cool. Despite his apology which Sebastian shrugs off. They train, and they train hard, almost like Sebastian was willing to prove a point they didn’t need to be friends to make this work.

Do you want an ice hockey game together?

Heikki wasn’t expecting a yes, but he asked. Spending the night alone wasn’t something he much cared for.

No.

Heikki sighs at the response and sets about setting up his recorded game, He makes snacks, a bottle of vodka. He stares blankly at the TV not really watching, making it through one and a half drinks before Sebastian is pounding on his door.  
“Don’t say anything,” Sebastian holds up a hand before Heikki could even think of anything to say. So Heikki keeps his mouth shut watching as Sebastian stalks into the living room grabs his alcohol and then goes and dumps it all in the kitchen sink, returning with water and chips. “Sit down and shut up.”

Heikki does, and gives him a small smile. “I’m pleased you came, even if Tommi guilted you here.”

“Yeah well I get to eat chips,” Sebastian mutters.

Heikki leans over, probably breaking into Sebastian’s personal space to push his face into his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry.”

Sebastian sits there stiffly. “Did it hurt? After you left to say those things?”

“Yes.”

“Good,” Sebastian whispers. “Good.”

And Heikki sighs when a hand wraps around him, a hand in his hair.

“Is this a really old game?” Sebastian asks curiously after a couple of minutes of silence.

“Yeah. It was the game I watched with Matti…”

“Besides clearly trying to inflict more pain on yourself, is there a reason you want to watch this game on the anniversary that he died?” 

Heikki doesn’t know an answer to that. It was just what he did, it wasn’t about deliberately inflicting bad memories, he thinks so anyway. 

“We should watch something happy,” Sebastian declares. It’s how they end up tangled on the couch watching Shrek. And it’s where they spend the night, despite the small space and uncomfortable position. And it’s the first anniversary since his brother passed away that Heikki doesn’t relive the night in his dreams, instead he watches Sebastian sleep.

*

When he wakes up the next morning, it’s to Sebastian stroking his cheek, his face inches from his. He can feel the warmth of his breath. He smiles sleepily. “I missed you.”

Sebastian smiles brightly at that. “Really?” Somehow he manages to shuffle closer and Heikki his legs over his, keeping him close.

“Mmmhmm,” he says closing his eyes.

He can feel Sebastian’s nose against his as he whispers, “Are you really not going to get up and make me train?”

“I will, soon,” Heikki promises. He runs his fingers down Sebastian’s back through his shirt, aware that Sebastian was tracing finger across his face, outlining his features. When it outlines his lips, brushes across them, Heikki kisses the tip, which immediately stops on his bottom lip.  
Opening his eyes Heikki was immediately met with a pair of blue eyes boring into his, looking at him questioningly. Heikki kisses his fingertip again, and Sebastian immediately bites down on his bottom lip, his fingers playing with the seam of Heikki’s. Heikki lets his tongue flick against the exploring digit, never breaking their gaze, aware that Sebastian’s breath hitched and everything felt incredibly intense all of a sudden.

He licks the finger again, and again. And then it’s against his tongue, stroking it carefully as Sebastian pushes his hips into Heikki’s. Heikki sucks when Sebastian has pushed the finger into the first knuckle and there’s a little whimper that is quickly caught when Sebastian bites down on his lip once more.  
And then there was the slow drag and push of a finger over his lips and against his tongue. Sebastian’s eyes blowing wider with each pass. All Heikki does is suckle on the finger, swirl around his tongue as he lets Sebastian move his finger. Sebastian’s hips rock into his as he swallows his noises and Heikki grabs at his ass, encourages him to move aware that Sebastian was nearly fully hard and as his own caught in the friction, quickly growing hard as well.

The noises Sebastian make were getting louder and this felt like it was soon going to be very well not enough. “Heikki,” Sebastian pants, another fingers pushing into his mouth. “We should train.”

Heikki hums around his fingers, moving to push him onto his back, shuffling them till Sebastian was under him and he was between his legs. One hard thrust down has Sebastian cry out loudly, hand flying to the back of his head, hands tightening in his hair and the fingers leave his mouth.

He lets out a groan and rocks against Sebastian, feeling legs wrap around his waist, Sebastian pushing back. There’s probably too much noise for something that was happening fully clothed. And somehow Sebastian’s head hangs over the edge of the couch, mouth open as he lets out little cries as they move. Heikki kisses his throat, licks at it, feeling every vibration of noise beneath his lips. He ups the pace, pushes down harder, not caring that he was coming across desperate. 

“Heikki. Heikki. Heikki.” Sebastian was clutching his hair tightly, chanting his name louder and louder.

“Heikki!” Heikki jerks awake when there’s a hard punch to his arm, aware the pulling on his hair was not quite as enticing as his dreams. He was lying on the couch face down, something he was now grateful as his erection throbbed painfully beneath him.

Sebastian was standing next to him looking worried. “You sounded like you were having a nightmare?”

Heikki feels his face flush. “No.”

“We should train,” Sebastian insists. “Get up lazy bones. I made breakfast.”

“Give me a minute,” Heikki grunts and Sebastian rolls his eyes. Heikki lets his face drop back to the couch as Sebastian says he has two. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

*  
There’s another shift between them. And Heikki stops giving a fuck. Happy to trade that in for some fucking control.

Britta had gone from trying to smooth the waters to telling Heikki to cool things in public. He doesn’t understand and then he’s staring at a slideshow of images from the Singapore Grand Prix. It was the first race Sebastian had won since Bahrain, a drought that was broken that came at the end of their battle.

It seemed like a never ending stream of him hugging Sebastian, or touching him in some way. Heikki glares at the images annoyed with himself. “Cool it, please?” She repeats her request.

“Fine,” Heikki shoves her tablet back at her. He purses his lips because he knows she wouldn’t have shown this to Sebastian. There was a practice starting so he headed towards the garages. He stands in what had become his designated spot this season and Sebastian smiles at him.

Heikki does nothing to stop Sebastian pushing into his side as he waits for the car. This wasn’t hugging so Britta could take her fucking tablet… Sebastian was gone in an instant, leave Heikki with nowhere near as much time to enjoy the burn of Sebastian against him for near long enough.

But he really does try to keep things respectable. But Sebastian gets pole and Heikki squeezes him hard when Sebastian clings to him happily. And when Sebastian wins… he tries to keep it brief, arms circling around him and holding him tightly, aware that Sebastian pushes his face into his throat. Heikki touches the back of his head lightly, fingers ghosting over the back of his neck before Sebastian pulls back and grins at him.

All the happiness radiating from him right now addicting. Britta and her pictures the last thing on his mind as Sebastian bounds away from him. And that night, out at the club with Sebastian and the team, he isn’t even aware of the hand seems to rest on Sebastian’s back whenever he was near, or sit atop of his shoulder. And he could hardly be blamed if Sebastian was always pressing into his side. 

When the celebrations end, they leave together. They go to Sebastian’s room as was the routine that had seem to exist long before there was a them. Heikki sprawls out, Sebastian draped over him looking up at sleepily. They were certainly a fucked up, whatever this was, he’d never shared a bed with someone that he wasn’t fucking.

“Heikki,” Sebastian whispers in the darkness.

“Go to sleep,” Heikki murmurs exhausted, his hand rubbing Sebastian’s back.

“Remember when you asked me if I loved Mark?”

Heikki opens his eyes aware that Sebastian would know he’d stopped breathing.

“I don’t love him. I’m not sure I ever did.” Sebastian’s fingers tickle his collar bone as he murmurs into the darkness. “I mean I thought I did at the time. But maybe that was more because I thought it would be this grand love tale.” Sebastian snorts on top of him. “My sister was right, I was so fucking delusional and naïve.”

Heikki’s hand that had stilled, resumes and he breathes again. He tightens his grip on Sebastian.

“It wasn’t real, Mark and me. This, you feel more real,” he whispers. “I know I’m probably not meant to say that. I know you have a Timer, I know we only get one more year after this. I’m not stupid. I just want you to know this is more real than Mark and I ever were. If you were wondering. Okay?”

Heikki can’t move, can’t find his voice.

“Heikki? Are you awake?” His voice sounds so small…

And Heikki knows he could let this go, pretend he hadn’t heard. But he doesn’t. He rolls onto his side, curls up behind Sebastian and kisses his neck, squeezing him tightly. “Okay Seb. Okay.”

This was as close as they would probably ever get. The closest you could tell someone that you loved them when you were both aware that you couldn’t possibly love the other. After all, can you even love someone that you weren’t meant to be with? 

*

Korea sees Sebastian at the top of the step again. So does India. And Heikki was pretty sure that Sebastian deserved no other step. Each win brings him closer to the ultimate prize, and the tension in the season was ramping up. And when Brazil finally closes in Heikki felt like something was about to break at any moment, he decides that after Sebastian won the championship things would be better, that things would ease up. 

The race feels like too much too bear. Britta stands next to him, nails digging into his arm as they watch. And when it’s all over, it’s all done, Heikki feels like he’s going to burst as he goes to find Sebastian. There’s barely a moment to share, one hug, clutching each other tightly as he grins at Sebastian, mouthing that he’s so proud. And Sebastian who was beaming and crying at the same time.

It’s the first time in a long time that Heikki truly feels alive, and he’s happy, truly happy. And when he finally gets Sebastian alone in his driver room, he wraps him up in a tight hug and him, Sebastian gripping at him. They might be there for minutes or hours, Heikki would never be able to tell you. He simply wishes that this moment never ends, he could be stuck in this one place for the rest of his life and he’d be happy.

“Thank you,” Sebastian breathes into his ear. “Thank you. Really thank you.”

Heikki presses his lips to his cheek and smile. “For you, anything.”

“Even an ice hockey lesson?” Sebastian pulls back to grin at him.

“Sure, if that’s what you want.”

“How many times will you knock me down?” 

Heikki’s smiles fades as he runs the back of his knuckles over Sebastian’s cheek. “I don’t think I could do that again…” Was that really only a few months back?

“Heikki…” Sebastian breathes out his name, eyes falling closed as he leans forward and Heikki stares at his lips, watching them part so invitingly.

“Sebastian!” Britta knocks on the door. “You have media waiting.”

Sebastian opens his eyes and Heikki lets him go. “Later I guess,” Sebastian smiles and Heikki nods not really sure what he was agreeing to before Sebastian’s smile was back to his grin and he was gone.

Heikki stands in his room, fishing out his phone that was beeping away. He needed to clear his head, have his heart stop pounding a mile a minute. He smirks at the text from Tommi.

Is this where I can insert my ‘I told you so’. Congrats!!!! 

There was no way Tommi was getting credit for anything. None. He walks out ready to enjoy the celebrations. His face immediately lights up when he sees Sebastian, watching him talk to the media. And he’s happy, bright, excited. There was no mask, it was simply Sebastian. Seb.

And yes. He was pretty sure he was in love him.

The Timer on his wrist wasn’t even a thought as it ticked over. 

399d 8h 14m 48s


	2. 2013

They’re lying on the couch at Sebastian’s, at opposite ends with their feet awkwardly next to and tucked under the other. Heikki was getting annoyed with Sebastian’s sock covered toes pushing into his ear. He was trying to finalise his program before they went their own way for two weeks for Christmas. Maybe Sebastian thinks if he distracts him they wouldn’t have to do Christmas separate.

“You could come to Heppenheim,” Sebastian tells him not looking up from his phone where he was checking emails. “My dad likes you, it’ll be fun.”

“Yes and we’ll sleep in the same bed, your mother would love that,” Heikki answers.

“Please she knows I’m not a virgin,” Sebastian scoffs. “Bed is tiny though…”

“I have to go home,” Heikki tells him for the millionth time. He has to go home and remember that there was someone missing. Christmas wasn’t much about joy for him. He fucking hated Christmas. He hated all the holidays.

Sebastian looks away from his phone to kiss the leg next to him. “I said I’d go with you,” he says softly nuzzling his calf. Heikki sighs and squeezes his foot.

“Fine. Come to Finland. Not Christmas though. You go home for that.”

Sebastian grins at him from his end of the couch. Smug shit looks like he won. Heikki rolls his eyes and goes back to his notebook. “I’ll text Tommi.”

“Don’t.” Heikki sits up and snatches the phone from Sebastian’s hands. “God, I don’t need to have this shit rubbed in my face.”

“Should I be offended that you called us shit?” Sebastian feigns a hurt look.

“Shut up,” Heikki orders. “For once be quiet for a while.”

Sebastian salutes him before zipping up his mouth. “Wait can I have my phone back?” he asks immediately.

“Right, let’s go. You’re bored. We’ll go use the gym for a while.”

“I’m not that bored,” Sebastian objects but Heikki had freed them from each other and he was walking away. And Sebastian dutifully follows.

*

The last time Heikki had been here was the funeral. He still wasn’t sure he was really ready, but he thinks maybe he never would be. Taking a deep breath he gets out of the car, joining Sebastian who was staring at the cemetery in front of them, waiting for him patiently.

He holds out his hand when Heikki closes the car door and Heikki takes it, grasping at him tightly, his other hand holding onto flowers that he spent far too long choosing. It had been three years since he stepped foot here, and yet he knew the way, despite the maze of graves.

It was cold, he knows because he can see his breath in front of him, can feel Sebastian shiver as he stays close, squeezing his fingers. Yet with each step Heikki feels himself grow number. His eyes scan the headstones as they walk, names imprinted of loved ones, someone else’s loved ones. But there was one that was his.

Heikki stops; eyes transfixed. The imprinted HOUVENIN visible beneath the snow that had begun collecting on the stone next to his feet. Letting go of Sebastian’s hand feels like he go of an anchor and stopped breathing as he leant down. And maybe he didn’t, not while he cleared the snow, while he put his flowers down. Maybe he didn’t draw one breath as he knelt in the snow next to his brother. He doesn’t know. Time stops and everything hurts and feels fresh and new and while tears blur his vision they never fall.

When he finally gets up, Sebastian’s hand was once more clasped in his before he’s hugged tightly. And Heikki holds him because right now this was his only anchor to not get lost again, to not drift off to a place where he didn’t have to feel. It was much easier there. And when’s sure he won’t float away, Heikki pushes his lips to Sebastian’s cold cheek and says softly, “Let’s go.”

Sebastian draws back, a gloved hand touching his cheek before nodding and this time Heikki let’s Sebastian lead them back to the car, and he lets Sebastian drive them back to his place in Finland – because really it wasn’t his brother’s anymore.

*

“Be good,” Heikki tells him following him outside to the car.

“I’m always good,” Sebastian grins at him over his shoulder.

Heikki rolls his eyes. “Eat what’s on the list. I don’t care what your mother dishes up for Christmas.”

“Of course.”

“Train every day,” Heikki adds as Sebastian throws his bag in the back before he turns to cross his heart.

Pushing the door closed Sebastian walks back to Heikki. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll see you in three days,” Heikki smiles. They’d barely spent any time apart it was actually ridiculous. A break would be good for them.

Sebastian’s fingers touch his shoulder, “You’ll be okay here?” And there’s concerned blue eyes looking at him and he knows what he’s really asking.

“Yeah, I think so.” And he does think it will be okay. “I won’t be alone, I’ll see my parents. Promise.”

Sebastian bites his lip and nods. He doesn’t look any less worried. Heikki reaches up to free his lip before he pecks him on the lips in assurance, only for Sebastian to still.

Heikki freezes in realisation because who knew what this was, but there seemed to be a line; no inappropriate touching, no kissing. The line was nice, the line was safe. “Seb I- ” His apology is cut off by a set of soft lips against his and Sebastian’s hand behind his head holding him there. Like he was going to go somewhere… Heikki closes his eyes and kisses him back, it was soft and gentle, and Heikki wanted to do this all day.

It was cold. Heikki left the front door open. They should be wearing jackets if they were going to stay out here this long. But they keep kissing, letting things deepen and slowly wrapping around other and holding on. People think he’s strong, and he should be, but this made him feel weak, Sebastian’s lips parting for him, being able to lick his way inside, yet Heikki thinks he might not even be able to keep standing.

It’s Sebastian that pulls away, eyes still closed and swaying his feet. “Bye,” he says walking backwards as Heikki stares at him. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Heikki repeats.

And then Sebastian was grinning at him with a silly smile. “See you in three days.”

“Three days,” Heikki echoes eyes wide and his knees felt weak again. He stands there watching Sebastian leave, tongue licking at his lips because he thinks he can still taste him. He walks inside slowly. So they’ll move the line. The line was always moving anyway. What was a few more inches?

*

It’s the perfect little world that they’ve built. It’s mostly the two of them, they train, prepare for the season and for Heikki it felt as if the world was running in slow motion when he was with Sebastian. When they train, the hours feel like days as he watches Sebastian do his exercises, or as he joins him to kill time.

It becomes two hours of torture as he tries hard to minimise touching or come up with excuses to do so. And Sebastian never stops him, he would drag in shaky breaths and meet his eyes, Workouts felt the most intense moments, it’s also pretty much the only time Sebastian would listen to him.

When they’re done, it’s almost like every other activity they did together. Workout done, make out. Have lunch, make out. Watch sport, make out. They go to bed, they make out. If Heikki could only sum up the off season he’d say they spent most of it making out from New Year’s onward.

And tomorrow it will end. Tomorrow they left for Milton Keynes and the beginning of the season was right around the corner.

 

It was nice to see Britta, and Sebastian hugs her hard when they meet at the factory. Testing would be here soon and Heikki watched Sebastian greet everyone. Heikki smiles at the memory that Sebastian had done exactly the same thing last year. At least this year he knew what to expect, how to play the game. He was no longer the new guy in all this.

He joins Sebastian along with Christian and Adrian, the other heads to look over the new car. Any thought Heikki had in passing of locking Sebastian away him immediately disappears when he sees how he lights up, bounces on his toes at the sight. Yes, Sebastian was more excited about this moment than Christmas. And Heikki admits ruefully, that Mark who stood next to him wore the exact same expression.

The realisation makes him feel unsettled. He’d never share that experience with Sebastian, cars weren’t his life. He’d practically given up driving since he met Sebastian. Heikki stands there stiff watching as the two drivers circle the car, both firing off questions, Sebastian’s fingers running over the rear wing. And for one heartbreaking instance he sees it; Mark and Sebastian.

No there was no flirty smiles, no longing looks or secret touches. It was them sharing a passion. It was so achingly clear why they may have zeroed out together, fuck the bitching, fuck the in team fighting, because one day that won’t exist. And he knows that passion he sees now would never die, in either of them. So maybe fate wasn’t so fucked up and it has him suddenly glance down at his wrist, at his own Timer he hadn’t looked at in weeks.

He blinks. He’d forgotten that this wasn’t real.

When he focuses his gaze, Sebastian looks up and grins at him. His heart immediately skips a beat.

_346d 14h 56m 02s_

_*_

They head to Australia early. Sebastian wanted a few extra days to enjoy the warm weather, and Heikki was not going to object to hanging on out on the beach. And that’s what they do four days, swim, sit on the beach, with Britta joining them for the last two days.

She’s working of course, sitting on the towel while he and Sebastian threw a ball around in the surf. Heikki was pretty sure after all this time that Britta was actually a work-a-holic. Apparently something she wasn’t going to give up any time soon. He’d seen her timer, six years still left on the clock. But she didn’t mind, she clearly loved her job, including the perks.

Throwing the ball towards Sebastian, Heikki cries out surprised when he’s tackled, thrown into the ocean by a flying German. Sebastian may have the advantage of a surprise attack, but he loses out on brute strength as they wrestle, pinned just as a wave crushes on his face, leaving him spluttering and stunned. Heikki sits up as Sebastian gasps following him, grasping his shoulders as Heikki rubs his hand over the wet skin of his back and apologises.

Heikki grins, yeah there were definitely perks as Sebastian pouted. Heikki flicks his lip. “Play nice so I don’t have to beat your ass.”

Sebastian wraps an arm around his neck and pushes against him, and Heikki stares at his lashes and the drops of water that clung to them, blue eyes bright as Sebastian gazed up at him longingly. “Heikki,” he murmurs licking his lips, “Can I have an ice cream?”

Heikki blinks from his trance and shoves Sebastian back into the water hard. He walks away as Sebastian splutters behind him.

Sebastian shouts after him. “You can just say no, you don’t have to drown me!”

Heikki sits next to Britta grabbing his water bottle and pretending he doesn’t notice the look she was giving him. Apparently not acknowledging her isn’t enough to avoid a comment.

“You love him.” The statement is accompanied by a surprisingly non-judgemental face, but he’d prefer that as she adds, “Like _really_ love him.” It’s the pity in her eyes that he can’t bear to look at.

“Can we get lunch?” Sebastian stands over them, Britta letting out a cry as she’s sprayed with water, Sebastian shaking the excess water from his hair.

“Yes,” Heikki answers staring up at him. He looks over and Britta and answers her question, “Yes,” he tells her simply.

Britta looks surprised he answered. “Well fuck.”

“What?” Sebastian demands looking between them. “What am I missing?”

“Nothing,” Heikki says as Britta answers, “Everything.”

 

*

 

It’s hot, too hot to sleep and the air conditioner in their room had seemingly failed about two hours ago. There wasn’t much to do about it now, and they left for Melbourne tomorrow. It meant it was one of those rare occasions where he and Sebastian didn’t tangle themselves together, it was too fucking hot for that. Instead they lay on their stomachs, facing each other, blankets kicked off as the fan ran on the highest speed.

“Heikki?” Sebastian speak as Heikki drags his thumb up and down Sebastian’s spine. This was as much touching as was going to happen.

“I told you, no matter how much money you give me, I can’t fix the fucking air.”

Sebastian grins, Heikki can see it in the dim light. “Are you straight?”

Heikki had not been expecting that question. “Yes,” he finally answers.

“Okay,” Sebastian responds not sounding upset at his answer, but Heikki pushes his hand into his lower back in comfort. “At least I know why you’ve never wanted to fuck me into the mattress.” His grin was back.

Heikki shifts his face closer before admitting, “I’ve been with guys though. I’ve been with both. It wasn’t horrible, I just prefer women. They’re softer.”

“Oh.” Sebastian’s smile was gone. “So you’ll fuck other guys but not me?” Yes, he was now hurt.

“No matter how hard we fuck, it would never be fucking between us.” Heikki goes back to stroking his back. “Probably why we shouldn’t go there.”

“Sometimes I want to though,” Sebastian says after a long silence.

“Sebastian, are you asking me to fuck you?” Heikki cuts to the point and considers sitting up and turning on light so they didn’t have this conversation in the dark.

“No, you said it wouldn’t be fucking,” Sebastian grins and Heikki sighs as Sebastian giggles at himself.

“You know, normal people would just grab someone’s dick to make a point when they’re kissing,” Heikki tells him bluntly.

“Normal people probably don’t have a conversation at 2am whether they should start having sex in case it makes things confusing,” Sebastian reminds him.

“I’m not confused,” Heikki blurts out, “Not about this. And I didn’t realise that was why we were having this conversation.”

“Great!” Sebastian pretends to be overly excited at the notion throwing himself onto his back, “You tell me what this is then? Because I’m sick of not knowing the answer when people hassle me.”

“Who’s hassling you?” Heikki asks suddenly on the defensive.

“Kimi. Tommi. My father. My fucking sisters are the worst. Wait, maybe Kimi is the worst. Yes definitely Kimi.”

“We’re friends,” Heikki tells him.

Sebastian huffs, clearly not believing that. “Okay.” He throws himself onto his back and sighs loudly. “So?”

“What?” Heikki asks.

“Can we have sex?”

“Now?” Heikki wrinkles his nose. “It’s too hot for fucks sake.”

“Not _right_ now.”

“Okay,” Heikki nods because he was sure this was going to happen with or without his express permission at some point. May as well he had some control over their spinning out of control.

“Okay. Cool.”

They were both acting far too casual about all of this, especially if they’d agreed it wasn’t going to be a simple fuck.

“Heikki?”

Heikki closes his eyes and hopes this conversation was now over.

“Do you want to pick a date to do it?”

Heikki laughs into the darkness. “Why don’t we ask Britta what fits in the schedule?”

Sebastian thumps his back hard enough that he groans loudly. “I’m serious. We should pick a date. After the race.”

There’s a random thought that maybe Sebastian was trying to keep things controlled as well, schedule it in so it doesn’t feel like they’re going to get caught up in something. “Okay, when you win,” Heikki says into the dark after a long moment.

“The race?” Sebastian asks.

Heikki shakes his head and then rolls on his side, shifting his face till his forehead bumped Sebastian’s. “No, when you win the championship,” Heikki clarifies, the back of his fingers resting on Sebastian’s damp cheek. He remembers Sebastian in Brazil, remember how he’d shined, how close he was to losing himself in that moment. He wishes he had, wishes their moment together in Brazil had been different, more private.

He half expected Sebastian to argue but he’s given a simple, “Okay.” Yes, his Sebastian had no self-doubt, he wasn’t envisioning this season as anything but his. “I’m going to be winning a hell of a lot more races this year.”

Heikki grins. “Good.”

“And it’s not going to be goodbye sex either.”

Heikki kisses his lips softly. “It’ll be the beginning,” he promises.

“Yeah,” Sebastian reaches up and pull him back for another kiss. “The beginning…” And then Sebastian was finally silent, well except for the sounds of lips meeting again and again in the darkness.

_295d 21h 03m 33s_

*

The race isn’t the win that Sebastian wanted. And he’s more pissed off than usual. Heikki knows telling Seb that it was okay would make things worse so he doesn’t say anything. On the flight from Melbourne, Heikki squeezes his thigh and Sebastian twists in his seat and looks at him. There’s no smiles, no happy banter just silence and Sebastian’s blue eyes burned.

Sebastian’s arm comes up, a finger dragging slowly back and forth in the crease of his elbow, gaze never leaving his. Sebastian’s eyes burned for him.

*

Malaysia was a mess. Anyone in the team would say that, no matter what side of the garage. Yet watching Sebastian cross the line first, no matter what order had been given over the radio was one of the most satisfying moments he had witnessed in his career. The fallout that occurs after was anything but.

Mark bashed him in public. Not physically; punches hurt, but words scar. And Mark was the beginning. There was stewards and race officials. There was the team. And lastly there was the media that ripped him to pieces.

Come Sunday evening Sebastian was exhausted, and when Christian had released him he was immediately standing at his door. Heikki sees confusion and uncertainty. “Are you mad too?” Sebastian’s question comes the moment he’d opened the door.

“You won,” Heikki murmurs. “That’s everything.”

“Yeah…” Sebastian’s forehead had wrinkled up in thought like he wasn’t so sure that was the case anymore.

“Are you coming in?”                                                      

“Mark’s mad. Christian’s mad. Even Britta is pissed.”

“She’s pissed at the extra work,” Heikki assures him. “Come inside.”

Sebastian though remains rooted in the hall. “Mark thinks it’s okay to try and fuck up my chances in Brazil, for the whole fucking championship but when…” Sebastian was beginning to raise his voice so Heikki grabs his shirt yanks him into the room and slams the door.

“Welcome,” Heikki says dryly.

Sebastian though goes still, eyes immediately filling with tears. “Why did you do that?” He’s voice begins to tremble. “I needed to talk. Now you’ll hug me and we won’t talk.”

“Hey,” Heikki hugs him, crushing him tightly and there are tears soaking his shirt. “I know. I know why you did it, I know. I know,” Heikki murmurs to him rocking him and that only dissolves Sebastian into sobs.

Sebastian who been taught to race, to win, had what must feel like the whole world telling him today how wrong he was. Today everyone wanted to unpick a seam in Sebastian’s life that held his world together. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” Heikki kisses the top of his head, “I promise. I’m so proud of you. So fucking proud.” Heikki would hold the seam closed with his bare hands.

When Sebastian steps back, eyes dry, the stains on Heikki’s shirt gone. Sebastian reaches out and touches his chest, fingers dancing over his heart before he then rips his own world apart with, “I love you.”

And Heikki simply stands there watching Sebastian slipping back out and Heikki isn’t sure if he’s standing, sitting or if he was even breathing anymore. “I love you too.” The words are heard by an empty room.

_280d 1h 23m 00s_

*

Its Sebastian’s sister’s birthday, and Heikki had let Sebastian pull him along and home to Germany to go to the party. He definitely did not want to go, but Heikki was pretty sure that denying any request from Sebastian, demanded or not, was an obsolete function of his now.

There was something about being around Sebastian’s family that was incredibly unsettling. They were all very pleasant and genuine, particularly his parents, but Heikki always felt that he was treated out of mere politeness than any real like to him. And he knows, particularly when it comes to Sebastian’s mother and her clear belief in Timers that the reason for their dismissal of him, was his countdown.

Sebastian let his guard down at home, he was relaxed, the need to put up fronts and a show weren’t important in their presence. He’d hold Heikki’s hand and ring the doorbell, he’d link their feet together between their chairs at the dinner table, he’d push his face into his chest when he was tired and mumble he wanted to go to bed, and there was the shared smiles and looks. At the end of the day, those moments they weren’t all in secret, they weren’t all in private. Those moments compounded together would hide nothing and no one was stupid.

Heikki knew how he was viewed. In the end he was no one, he was one more before Sebastian’s _One_. He was a precursor, insignificant in the grand scheme. He was tolerated, their ‘fondness’ was tolerated because there was an expiry. Visiting Sebastian’s family was like being forced to face reality, and being made to remember that Sebastian was not a permanent fixture in life, was the worse torment.

But here he was, because Sebastian was oblivious, and because Sebastian asked. How Sebastian can help him deal with some painful aspects of his life and enflame others does his head in. Heikki keeps to the edge of the crowd, happy to observe as his fingers clung to the neck of his untouched beer bottle. It was dark, and getting late, but there were still too many people, the music a little too loud, and the air on the very unpleasant side of cold.

Heikki had taken to trying to kill time by observing Sebastian, watch him circle his family, catch up with old friends, watching him laugh and smile, seeing him relaxed… However, sometimes watching Sebastian felt like time slowed, and when Sebastian would look in his direction, meet his gaze, time stopped. And as the night wore on, Sebastian did less talking and more staring in his direction, ignoring those around him, and the smiles they had first shared dissipated into intense, heated looks that had Heikki’s palms sweat and his heart race. And the thoughts that crept into his mind as Sebastian chewed on his bottom lip, cheeks stained with a blush, were certainly _not_ thoughts you should be having surrounded by so many people, especially when those people included Sebastian’s disapproving parents.

“Heikki.”

Heikki snaps his gaze to Sebastian’s sister that had stopped in front of him. She wore a large smile, eyes slightly unfocused from too much alcohol. “Happy Birthday Stephanie,” he acknowledges.

“I wanted to thank you for coming.” The way that she reached to touch and then squeeze his bicep was nothing but deliberate. It has Heikki still when she doesn’t remove her hand, eyes flicking up in Sebastian’s direction in the distance to find his was staring at them.

“It was for Sebastian,” he answers reaching to remove her hand, and it only has her smirk grow.

“Do you have any idea how jealous my brother can be?” The innocent question is accompanied by her other hand settling on his shoulder as she steps closer. “Sebi _really_ never liked me playing with his things.”

“Stephanie,” Heikki grasps her arms when she goes to hug him but stops when the playful tone of her voice leaves when she whispers in his ear.

“Sometimes actions are better than words Heikki. I can’t believe you two haven’t fucked yet,” she tells him bluntly.

Heikki blinks, staring towards Sebastian who looked as if he was supressing a volcano of rage as he stood rigid watching them.

“Hug me,” Stephanie ordered and Heikki’s arms fold awkwardly around her frame as she continues to clutch him. “Time is of the essence here, before my brother breaks your heart.” She pulls away and Heikki frowns. “So you’re the one with the countdown, but we all know Sebastian’s reached his, and I don’t care if my brother is prancing around now declaring true love is bullshit, he is licking his wounds. You should be seizing every moment before they’re all just distant memories.”

Stephanie then leans forward, presses a soft, yet very lingering kiss to his cheek. “You’ll thank me.” She flounces away then and Sebastian looked ready to murder him, or his sister who immediately makes a beeline in the opposite direction of her brother and Heikki takes the opportunity to head inside.

He hunts for Sebastian’s car keys, fingers shaking as he rummages through his backpack, he is well aware that Sebastian will be on his tail. He can’t manage more than a grunt when he dodges around some guests near the front door. His heart pounds faster when he hears the backdoor slam open and closed.

“Heikki!” Sebastian shouting his name has him lurch for the front door, yanking it open and heading out the front. He doesn’t close it as he heads towards Sebastian’s car on the curb. “Where are you going?”

Heikki whirls around to see Sebastian standing on the front lawn and Heikki lifts the keys and unlocks the door holding his hand in the air. Sebastian dives for his arm, keys ripped from his grip as he shoves him backwards.

“What the fuck were you doing? What the fuck _are_ you doing?” Heikki doesn’t answer and he’s shoved again and he lets him shove him till he stumbles backwards into the side of car. “Don’t touch her! Don’t touch _anyone_!”

Stephanie was right, Sebastian was certainly a jealous shit. “Get in the car Sebastian,” Heikki orders, voice shaking.

Sebastian looks at him like he was crazy. “What? No!”

Heikki reaches behind him and finds the handle for the back door. Grabbing Sebastian’s shirt with the other, he pushes Sebastian back, dragging the door open as he does. “Get. In. The. Fucking. Car.” Heikki yanks him so close, eyes boring into Sebastian.

He’s so close that even in the dark, lit by the faint light of the interior of the vehicle behind, he can see Sebastian’s eyes widen, see the anger fade and heat up into a very different burn, as understanding dawns on him..

Heikki smirks as Sebastian begins to breathe heavily, hands flying to his biceps, fingers digging in. “I… I thought we were… waiting?”

“Who left the front door open?” The sound of Sebastian’s father in the distance has both men scrambling for the car.

Heikki slams the door closed after them, falling over Sebastian as he collapses across the back seat, fumbling with the keys to lock the car and kill the lights. They’re silent, both breathing hard from adrenaline, frozen and waiting to see if someone knocks on a window. “I told you to get in the fucking car,” Heikki hisses at him.

“Well you should have made it clearer that it was because you wanted to fuck around,” Sebastian argues back in a whisper.

“Please, you’ve been deliberately baiting me all night,” Heikki scoffs, “You wanted to end up here.”

“Here?” Sebastian raises an eyebrow. “On the backseat of my car, hiding from my parents like we’re in fucking school?”

Heikki ignores him, sitting up and scanning outside. It was dark and the front yard empty. The party wasn’t even audible from here. He immediately removes his jumper, shirt catching with the movement as he pulls it over his head, and it means there’s a hand pressed to the exposed skin of his stomach. Sebastian’s touch cool against his heated flesh.

“I feel like I’m never allowed to touch you,” Sebastian whispers, hand not moving even his shirt falls back down to cover it. Heikki shivers under the gentle movement and ripple of Sebastian’s fingers. “Can I touch you?”

“Yes.” His voice sounds shaky even to his own ears.

Sebastian sits up, immediately capturing his lips in a kiss, a simple press of lips. He pulls back, eyes still closed as he bites his lip before adding, “Don’t hold back.”

Heikki grasps his face with both hands, cupping it. He lets go of everything else, Timers, countdowns, every doubt and reason, before he slams he slants his mouth over Sebastian. He doesn’t hold back, he takes everything. They’d kiss plenty of times, but this was different, fuck the boundaries, fuck the consequences.

Sebastian was scrambling to get closer and Heikki ends up on his knees between the seats, Sebastian towering over him, lips meeting repeatedly in messy and almost brutal kisses. Heikki shoves his hands under Sebastian’s sweater and shirt, dragging up and down his sides, groping at him as Sebastian’s fingers tangle in his hair, keeps their mouths together, swallowing desperate pants of more that Heikki thinks are his.

When Sebastian sits down to take off his sweater and shirt, Heikki crawls onto the seat, straddling his lap before removing his own shirt. Then once more they’re back to their needy kisses, Sebastian using his position to push up and ensuring they know focused on more strained needs.

Heikki had never been so hard in his life, and he rocks hard in Sebastian’s lap, pressing down as Sebastian pushes up, setting off a fire of dizzying pleasure from the friction, one that was too good that it hard Heikki unable to stop, but frustratingly not enough. It had each of them moaning in turn, clutching the other with dig of nails, biting of the other’s lips as they race each other to the edge.

The car has heated up that it felt like a steam room and Heikki can’t take another minute of this. He slides from Sebastian’s lap to a protested whimper before Heikki yanks at the fastening of his jeans. He can’t see and his hands can’t coordinate apparently without blood in his brain. “Stop squirming!” Heikki’s frustrated plea is replied with a sobbed, “Touch me!”

Heikki had managed to jerk his pants open and he doesn’t delay shoving his hand inside and pressing down on Sebastian’s hard cock.

“Oh my god,” Sebastian’s head falls back against the head rest, lips parting in silence.

“Better?” Heikki rubs the heel of his hand back and forth slowly, leaning forward to lick at Sebastian’s bruised lips.

Sebastian was begging, and Heikki looks down at his cock in his grip.

Hard. Throbbing in his grip. He slides his hand down, staring at the flared head that was exposed, precum pools at the slit. Bringing his hand up, Heikki rubs his thumb over the gathering slick, thinking of tasting him, before he slides his hand down and repeats the process. It would be so easy to finish this, ruin it all… it has him slow the drag of his hand further.

When he looks up to watch Sebastian, he’s mess, lips bitten and swollen, voice hoarse and cheeks wet with tears. “Seb?” he whispers, he wanted to make it better.

“Faster!” Sebastian’s order is in Finnish and Heikki snaps from his daze moving his hand at blinding speed. Once, twice and Sebastian lets out a pitched cry before he goes stiff and then comes. Heikki watches the ecstasy pass across his features, feels him come over his hand but he doesn’t stop till Sebastian sobs and bats at his hand.

Heikki pushes his face into Sebastian’s chest, listens to his heart race, to his gasped breaths, hands gripping his trembling thighs, his own cock throbbing against his fly. When it becomes too much, he reaches to pull his fly down, before pressing down on his erection.

“Heikki?”

He looks up as Sebastian strokes his hair. “Sit on the seat, I’m going to suck you off now. Okay?”

And Heikki loses the ability to make any noise, cock throbbing hard at the thought of Sebastian’s mouth on him… those lips around him… He feels light-headed.

Sebastian cups his face gently as he whispers, “Breathe Heikki. Remember to breathe…”

*

Once Bahrain is over and done with, Sebastian putting Malaysia behind him once and for all, the slow crawl of the season speeds up. There seemed to be win after win. It’s almost dizzying as Sebastian clings to him after each race, soaks up praise and congratulations before that would later in private turn into heated sessions filled with kisses and gasped promises of ‘soon’ as they relieve the tension that builds on race day.

And after, they would lie tangled together, Sebastian generally draped over him talking endlessly about every moment of the race, wanting to relive it with Heikki. And Heikki would stroke his hair, or run his fingers over his skin, marvel at how he seemed to know every dip and bump, knows the places to make Sebastian sigh or shiver, or even work him up for another round. It’s his favourite part of their race weekends.

They bicker. They’ve always bickered but Heikki doesn’t mind, he likes that Sebastian knows what he wants, and is stubborn. He likes that Sebastian doesn’t let him win. But besides their usual banter and Sebastian’s sulking on occasions there are no real arguments, except for Singapore.

It wasn’t like Mark and Sebastian were on friendly terms but since Mark’s announcement that this was his last season there was a certain discomfort that existed around Sebastian. He was unsettled and no matter how gently Heikki tried to speak to him about it he got nothing but dismissive comments like it was nothing, and maybe it was all in Heikki’s head.

Thursdays are always packed with press commitments, Sebastian often doesn’t get even get a moment to breathe to himself. There are times when Heikki is often blown off, or ‘relieved of duty’ as Sebastian puts it. Heikki doesn’t mind too much, he’d been around long enough to understand. He’s a grown adult, he can keep himself busy. He works out, speaks with those in the paddock that he can be bothered to give the time too, and generally prepares for the weekend.

On Thursday in Singapore he stumbles across Sebastian in the bar. It was late, he looked exhausted and he was with the last person he expected to find Sebastian alone with. Ann Neal. It’s not an accidental meeting, they’re at a table, in the corner. Ann is leaning forward, face serious as she talks, her attention locked on her husband’s bitter rival. And Sebastian was sitting there, lost in the conversation, hunched towards her the way he does in engineer briefings.

There was no Mark, but Heikki didn’t doubt that he was the topic of conversation. What else did they have in common? He should walk away. He should forget this. He does, abandoning his quest for a couple of water bottles for the room. On their floor he finds his feet lead to him his own room and not Sebastian’s.

He puts on the TV to stop trying to come up with what the hell Sebastian and Ann can possibly talk about. And all those doubts in his head blare out. The TV doesn’t help but at least he drifts off at some point, before his eyes snap open when shoes drop to the floor.

“Sorry,” Sebastian whispers, “Didn’t mean to wake you.” Shoes are all that are removed before Sebastian turns off the TV. “Why are you in your room? Mine not being enough?” He’s attempt at a joke falling flat.

“What time is it?” Heikki asks as Sebastian scrambles over the covers and immediately lies on him, face pressing into his chest, a muffled ‘late’ all about lost. . Heikki rubs his face, as Sebastian balls his shirt into a fist.

“Hold me,” he orders quietly, clearly not happy that Heikki hadn’t immediately greeted his embrace with one of his own.

“Where were you?” he asks, Heikki’s arm feel like they’re flailing in the air because he doesn’t know where to put them, only sure he was sure he didn’t want to hug Sebastian right now.

“Not now,” Seb whispers, voice sounding so lost, “Please Heikki, not right now.” It’s enough that Heikki drops a hand to Sebastian’s back, rubs it, Sebastian doesn’t kiss him, doesn’t look at him, but he’s strangled in his sleep more than ever. There’s not much sleep really had by either of them.

Come morning, the repeated question of what Sebastian had done the prior evening is met with a detailed explanation of apparently everything under the sun bar his meeting his Ann. It’s the first time that Heikki feels like Sebastian is lying to his face, fuck technicalities of omission.

The day ends with Sebastian following him to his room, the silence between them stretched almost to breaking point. It breaks when Sebastian slams the door closed behind him having followed Heikki to his room. “For the _millionth_ time, what have I done to piss you off? And _don’t_ fucking stand there and just glare at me. You being pissed is not what I need this weekend.”

Any thought of silence goes out the window. “What _you_ need?” Heikki can barely keep the tremble out of his voice, “Every weekend is about you Sebastian. But you know what, you aren’t the most important person here and just because you’re a fucking driver doesn’t entitle you to be a selfish prick.”

Sebastian blinks, shocked at the response. “Selfish?” he echoes. If the words hurt he doesn’t show it. “I _employ_ you. If I want to be a selfish ass during a race weekend, then you do what needs to be done that falls within your job description. I’m the one that has to win, I’m the one that the whole world watches. I’m the one dealing with all the shit! You don’t get to question me. You don’t get to stand there and judge me!”

“Go to your room Sebastian. Get changed. Run five miles on the fucking treadmill and go to bed.”

“Seriously?” Sebastian shakes his head and spins on his heel. “I’m not doing this with you right now.” The door is slammed for the second time.

*

Sebastian gets pole and despite their arguing Heikki still grins. Sebastian winning on track would never feel wrong, no matter what the personal circumstances are. He meets up with Sebastian, passes his water bottle in exchange for his helmet. Sebastian looks at him for a moment before he lurches forward and hugs him hard for a brief second before he rushes away.

Their moment doesn’t change anything. Things don’t suddenly return to their sunny ways. Especially not when Heikki decides to bypass Sebastian completely for the evening and instead finds himself staring into the eyes of his teammate. Mark raises his eyebrows but steps aside to let him in.

“You look like shit mate,” Mark comments as Heikki looks around the room that is identical to Sebastian’s. “You want a drink?”

“I don’t drink,” he answers on autopilot but takes the vodka Mark offers a few minutes later.

“All Finns drink vodka right?”

Heikki unscrews the cap and moves to sit down, Mark sitting opposite holding a can of diet coke.

“Race,” Mark says when he notices Heikki staring. “Not exactly responsible to drink the night before.” He waves his hand, “But you go ahead. You look like you need one.” Heikki takes a long gulp, enjoying the burn on his throat. He doesn’t even use the glass Mark had placed in front of him. “I’m sure working with Seb does your head in.”

Heikki snorts. “He’s not so bad.”

“We’ll agree to differ. I’m not fucking him.”

The comment has Heikki take another mouthful before he puts the bottle as far out of reach as possible. “You and Ann…” He had a lot of questions for Mark, wanted to sort out his head but Mark seems prepared, maybe he had been waiting for this moment.

“It’s not as complicated as you think mate. I promise. You know what Timers are? They’re nothing, maybe a guide, but it’s not the be all and end all.” Mark leans forward then and grabs his hand, turns his wrist over. “Fuck the countdown. What happens on that day? You meet someone, you meet another person and for most of us, it would be someone that you keep walking past if it wasn’t for this.” He throws Heikki’s hand back. Wearing it, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

He’d heard that one before. He touches his wrist and the countdown that expires at the end of the year. “I’ve never met anyone that wasn’t happy that they’d met their _one_.”

Mark cocks his head. “Seb doesn’t count?”

Heikki stares back at him. “Does he? Things can change. People change, the past becomes less _sharp_.” He thinks of his brother, and it hurts, he still wants to change it, but it no longer feels like he’s suffocating in his grief.

“Is that why you’re here? You after assurances?” Mark leans forward. “I’m married. That was a choice I made despite everything. I’m not walking away. And the only thing I can promise is there is a greater chance of me being struck by lightning than the chance of me winding up with Seb.”

“And yet, people still get struck by lightning,” Heikki reaches back to take his vodka only to have Mark grab it from him.

“Do you love him?”

Heikki doesn’t answer the question.

“He’s yours, you want that to be a permanent thing. Remove your damn Timer before the countdown ends. Seb likes grand romantic gestures. He’ll be yours then.”

Heikki stands up. “Yes, till there’s a lightning storm.”

“And _that_ is why you don’t end up with him,” Mark says leaning back on the couch.

Heikki turns around, hand on the door handle.

“I promise you Heikki, despite the shit with Seb on track, I’m not going to rock up one day on a white horse for him. I’m not waiting for the perfect time to swoop in and sweep him away. It’s all in your hands. You hold the deck, you deal the cards.” Mark grabs the vodka and takes one long gulp before securing the lid.

Mark probably had a point, and maybe he should have left it at that. “Sebastian and Ann, are they good friends?” Mark at least looks back over from putting the bottle back in the mini fridge. “They had dinner together on Thursday. It looked… _intense_. He hasn’t mentioned it and he won’t talk about it.”

The relaxed nature that Mark had possessed through their conversation disappears. He looked stiff, and cold all of a sudden. He opens his mouth and then slams it closed. “I can promise you they’re not fucking around on us,” Mark forces a smile.

“So it changes nothing?” Heikki pushes the point because Mark was no longer sure and cocky anymore. He looked lost and terrified.

“Good night Heikki,” Mark says quietly, and he looked tired and older than Heikki had seen before.

It’s a fucking bitch that they’re all sharing a floor, a damn corridor. Because when he steps out and turns to his right, there was Sebastian. Sitting against his door cross legged playing on his phone. But he was staring at him right now with a look of utter betrayal. Heikki is frozen as Sebastian jumps to his feet without a word and stalks from Heikki’s door to his own, and it’s another night of ending things on slammed doors.

_99d 06h 47m 29s_

_*_

Post-race is brutal. Sebastian looks wrecked, destroyed the moment he steps away from the media. Maybe on any other occasion he’d have dealt with the booing with a shrug, but not this weekend. Britta chews her lip as they pack up.

“Don’t make it hard for him tonight. Just tell him he’s right and forget whatever you’re fighting about.”

Heikki doesn’t reply because he wishes it was that simple. They leave the track together, in silence, the three of them, neither wanting to disrupt Sebastian’s clear brooding. At the hotel when Britta says goodnight, Heikki is given a warning glare as she scurries to her own room.

As they walk towards their room Sebastian huffs, “Remind me to fire Britta tomorrow for being so completely unsubtle.” It’s enough for Heikki to crack a smile. Sebastian opens his door and gives him a tight smile, “Goodnight Heikki.”

It’s a very polite and professional goodbye and Heikki watches Sebastian slip into his room. He shakes his head, goes to his own room. He showers and gets changed before standing at the end of the bed. Any other weekend and he and Seb would probably be rolling across sheets naked by now. He blinks at the crisp white bedlinen and the image of Sebastian tangled up in them blissed out.

“Fuck.” He spins on his heel and goes his backpack digging out Sebastian’s spare room key and heading to his room. He finds Sebastian sitting cross-legged in the middle of his bed, staring at the TV at the end of his bead. Still wearing his team gear, crying.

“Seb…”

Sebastian shifts his gaze over, fresh tears obscuring the blue of his eyes for a moment. “I didn’t get it,” he chokes out. “I didn’t see how it played out.”

Heikki swallows, because so much for comforting him about the booing. Instead they’re going to walk the unchartered territory between them. “Seb,” he tries again but Sebastian was looking at his wrist and stroking it.

“It should have been you,” he whispers. “I keep asking myself why it wasn’t you.” He looks back, lip trembling. “I love you. Like you’re my whole world and when I think of you leaving, when I think of you not being here… I can’t breathe Heikki. I feel like I’m going to die.”

Heikki’s mouth goes dry and there are tears pricking his eyes.

“Why isn’t that enough? How can this not be what it’s all about? That’s all I have thought about for a year.”

“Seb, I know okay. I have thought that too.”

“Really?” Sebastian sniffles unattractively. “And why aren’t you mine?” His eyes stare at him hard, hold a challenge in them for an answer.

“Because you were never mine to start with.” Just saying the words hurt.

Sebastian shakes his head and presses the heels of his palms into his eyes. “No,” he says after a moment. “No that’s not it. I’m not yours because you never take me, you never take the chance. You’ll never take the chance. Do you even love me?” his voice croaks with the last question.

Heikki moves then, rushes to the bed, moving to kneel in front of him so he can kiss him hard, can kiss him like this might be there last. Sebastian tastes of tears, of heartbreak. “I love you Sebastian, I love you. I promise I love you,” Heikki whispers thumbs grazing his cheeks as he gazes down at him. “You made everything whole again. You made me feel again, to love someone again. You have no idea what you mean to me, what you did for me…” Heikki kisses him again as Sebastian swallows his sob to kiss him back.

Sebastian wraps his arms around his neck and squeezes him. “It’s Mark because it’s not you,” he breathes into his ear. “Do you get that? Do you know that I’d choose you? I’m choosing you right now. I’m telling you Heikki, it’s you and it’ll always be you.”

Heikki pushes his face into Sebastian’s neck.

“Please Heikki,” he pleads, “Please, please don’t leave me. Please stay. Please. Please.”

Heikki pushes his mouth against his neck, his throat, kissing his way back to his mouth as they fall back onto the bed. “I love you,” Heikki repeats between each press of his lips.

Sebastian tangles his fingers into his hair, staring up at him when Heikki lies over him. Shakily he lifts his head and kisses him very lightly. “98 days, it’s not enough time. It’s not enough time.”

“Shhh,” Heikki whispers. “Stop it, not right now. No more.” He reaches to pull Sebastian’s legs around him. Hands running up and down his sides, as they stares at one another.

“I don’t want to wait,” Heikki murmurs, voice sounding more desperate, “I don’t think I can wait.”

Sebastian nods, hands tightening in his hair. “Yes, now. I want to do it now.” He immediately rocks his hips into Heikki’s biting his lip as he does.

So between confessing their love and what Heikki thinks may have been a goodbye they make love for the first time. And Heikki doesn’t care if it’s cheesy to call it that, it certainly wasn’t fucking. It was the most intense experience of his life and he wasn’t sure he’d felt so close to another human being than he did in that moment. He was sure he wouldn’t again.

And afterwards they lay next to each other, not touching just staring at the other. “Stay Heikki, please stay.”

And right in this moment, Heikki isn’t sure how could ever think of walking away. How can this not be everything?

*

Come India, Sebastian was a three time world champion and Sebastian joins a very small club of drivers that had achieved the same feat. Heikki wants to revel in this moment forever. How one person can achieve so much, can be so dedicated. It makes Heikki love him so much more. Sebastian celebrates with the team, is once more wearing that glow that Heikki had found so intoxicating in Brazil last year.

But this year he can breathe it in when they’re alone. He can kiss it, lick it, taste it. He can love it as much as he likes and Sebastian does nothing to stop him from having his way. And he does, multiple times, till Sebastian was a limp, passed out puddle of limbs next to him. And Heikki watches him for a long time till he can’t fight the pull of sleep any longer.

_62d 22h 50m 07s_

*

By the time Brazil is has arrived, Heikki thinks the whole season has been one giant exhale. It’s over and nothing spun out of control like he anticipated. With the race done, before they fly out, Sebastian stands in front of him with an envelope. Heikki doesn’t take it when it’s offered to him. He knew without asking that it was another contract.

Sebastian bites his lip and drops his hand back down. He shrugs then, squares his shoulders and Heikki watches himself reset. “Doesn’t matter anyway,” Sebastian mutters folding it up roughly and shoving it in the trash can under the small desk. “Can’t change fate.” The smile he gives was an echo of something genuine.

Heikki steps forward and leans forward to kiss him but Sebastian turns his head away. “Don’t,” he pleads. “I can’t do the goodbye.”

“It’s not goodbye Sebastian,” Heikki murmurs, pulling him closer, hand tugging on his neck till he stumbles closer. “We’re not quite done.”

Sebastian’s teeth look like they’re about to puncture his lip and Heikki reaches out and with a shaky finger and frees it. “Let’s go home.”

Sebastian nods, “I’ll meet you downstairs.”

“Okay,” Heikki says waiting for Sebastian to leave before he walks over to the bin and pulls out the contract. His hands tremble as he carefully smooths it back out. He packs it into his luggage neatly.

_34d 19h 29m 48s_

_*_

Their goodbye is a goodbye without any real acknowledgement. At Christmas before he returns home, and Sebastian goes to Germany they hug. It’s not a farewell filled with declarations of love or fraught with desperate kisses. No it’s a single hug where they clutch at the other tight enough to no longer shake.

“So proud of you this year,” Heikki whispers in his ear. “You’re amazing. So fucking amazing.”

“So amazing that you’ll come inside and lock the door for 2 weeks and not come out?” Sebastian asks quietly.

“I’m going home for Christmas, I’ll be back on the 27th.”

Sebastian’s head was on his shoulder, looking away. “So you’ll be here on the 29th?” Sebastian refers to the dreaded date, voicing it out loud for the first time. “Before Heikki can respond Sebastian changes his mind, “Don’t answer that. Don’t let the last thing you say to me be a lie or a broken promise.”

“I love you,” Heikki says instead and then there is miles of space between them, Sebastian looking broken and Heikki can’t say anything else, the lump in his throat the only thing stopping him from crying. He turns and walks away, he tells himself he won’t look back but he does, and it’s to see the front door closing.

*

29th of December 2013

There were very few conversations he had with Mark Webber over the two years he worked for Sebastian Vettel. But today he remembers the one from Singapore so clearly. He stares at his wrist, he’d zeroed out at midnight, his Timer beeping for the second last time. There were some people that wanted nothing more than seeing their wrist full of zeroes, and Heikki stares at them, touching each naught slowly.

It was lunch and he hadn’t stepped outside. He was terrified of what his future held. Sebastian was right, he had no faith, not in Sebastian, not in them, not even in his fucking timer. Covering his face he lets out a silent scream of frustration. Would he spend his whole life being completely terrified of every fucking thing? Was it even possible to conquer your fears?

He gets out of bed, starts his day, walks around, Sebastian’s contract gripped in his hand. He hadn’t spoken to Sebastian since they saw each other before Christmas, there was no phone calls, no texts, but he didn’t doubt Sebastian was at home. He could drive over right now and he’d answer the door.

Mark was right, he should have cut it out. He stares at his wrist wondering how bad it would be to do it himself, just like Mark had… He shakes his head and stalks to his desk, tearing it apart for a pen. He looks at the contract, scans it because he wanted to make sure Sebastian wasn’t employing him just to perform massages for the next twenty years. But no, it was his standard contract, the same as last but with a salary increase and larger bonuses.

Licking his lips Heikki scrawls his name on every marked page. Smiling as he does because he was going to do this. He was going to fuck with fate. He was going to make a fucking decision and choice he wanted and nothing was going to stop that.

He drives the two minute drive. Speeds through the streets, contract tossed on the seat next to him, never before being so utterly convinced in his life that he was making the right decision. He grins, only for the smile to fade when his rear vision mirror floods with red and blue lights. He slams the brakes, but it’s too late.

Pulling over, he squeezes the wheel tightly, staring directly ahead as his wonders what excuse was possible? Maybe the cop would understand, maybe he could…

“License and registration please?”

Heikki’s head whips up at the sound of the voice, caught off guard by the fact it was female. He didn’t’ think, and then he was staring into a pair of brown eyes.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

The sound of his and her Timer going off like they were singing to each other echoes around them. Heikki’s hands fall from the wheel as she blinks at him taken aback before she smirks.

“License and registration please,” she repeats.

“Seriously?” Heikki though yanks out his wallet grabbing her the details.

“What are you in a hurry for Mr…” She stops when she stares at his last time and then sighs as she butchers the pronunciation.

“It doesn’t matter,” Heikki looks over at the signed contract, “It doesn’t matter now.”

She pauses and Heikki stares at the badge she was wearing. _Officer Archer_. “Heikki H, I can let you go and we can pretend this didn’t happen.” She was still writing out his fucking ticket though while he stares up at her. Her hair was dark, she was a she. She was nothing like Sebastian in anyway. He wasn’t sure why he thought it would be.

He shakes his head at her. “Can you run from fate,” he asks her quietly.

“Is that what you were trying to do?” she questions curiously handing him the ticket.

“That and take a leap of faith,” he smiles sadly at her.

She tilts her head and studies him. “You could do that now. Get out of the car,” she suggests.

Heikki runs his hands across the top of his steering wheel before he takes a deep breath and opens the car door. She twirls her finger to get him to turn around and he does only to find him pressed against his car and in a pair of handcuffs before he can even blink.

She looked incredibly impressed with herself when he turns around and leans against the car. He was certainly not impressed. “And the point of this is?”

“In ten years time, I get to tell everyone that we met when I arrested you.”

Heikki stares after her as she walks back to her car. “Hey, are you going to undo these!?”

“I have to call this in,” she shouts back grinning widely. And Heikki watches as she calls in a suspected DUI. A long few hours of processing at a police station surely ahead of him. Leaning back on his car, his head lolls back and he stares at the sky. Perfect blue, clear and without a single cloud.

So he ended up taking a leap. One that didn’t pay off and another apparently towards the one thing he didn’t want. If his heart didn’t hurt so much, he’d laugh.

*

Epilogue - October 2015

He’s nervous, he’s fidgeting and he hasn’t felt like this in… over two years. It was dinner for fucks sake. With an old friend. It was going to be fine. Except the moment Sebastian appears, looking awkward and nervous himself, Heikki feels like he’s winded. Clearly absence hadn’t resulted in certain reactions fading.

“Hi,” Sebastian stares up at him shyly.

“Hi,” Heikki breathes out. There were a few more lines, hair a little thinner, but it was still Sebastian. It has Heikki relax and he returns the smile. “I didn’t think you’d accept let alone turn up.”

“Why?” Sebastian asks when they sit down. “No hard feelings, after all we spent two years reminding each other how it would end.”

“Yeah, true,” Heikki nods and then orders both of them water.

“I can’t have wine?” Sebastian pouts and Heikki grins.

“Leave you with Antti and you’re now requesting alcohol on race weekends?”

Sebastian’s grin was in full force. “Antti doesn’t let me get away with shit. But who knows, maybe we just need to start sleeping with each other. That worked well last time.”

Heikki smirks, and they stare at each other for a long while, taking in the other. “I missed you,” Heikki confesses. Sebastian doesn’t say it back, instead stares at the table and smooths out the table cloth.

When he looks up he was back to being nervous. “So… What’s she like?”

“You assumed it was a she?”

Sebastian shrugs. “You said you were straight.”

“She’s nice. A police officer. She’s moving to the UK with me.”

“So practically married then.” This time Sebastian’s smile was anything but relaxed.

“Far from it,” Heikki answers and leans forward. “She waited a long time for me to get over the last person I loved. Unlike you, she’s very patient.”

“I’m insulted, I’m _very_ patient.”

“Seb, for the record, I’m sorry.” The words felt like a relief to spill them out, like he had been holding onto them for so long.

Sebastian shakes his head. “Don’t do that,” he says quietly. “I’m not sorry. I don’t regret a moment for the record.”

“I don’t either. I meant I’m sorry I wasn’t the person you needed then. I should have trusted you, but I didn’t. You scared me.”

“Scared you?” Sebastian was frowning.

“The way you made me feel, it was terrifying to feel so fucking much. I feel like I can’t breathe when I’m near you and when I wasn’t with you I was so fucking lost…”

Sebastian leans forward with a small smile to whisper, “Tip Heikki, don’t tell Mrs Police Officer she terrifies you.”

“Seb,” Heikki sighs and Sebastian reaches out and grabs his hand before he can sit back and squeezes.

“It’s okay. I understand. I got it back then. We’re not meant to be, it’s okay.”

Heikki shifts his gaze to their clasped hands, watching their fingers link together and for a moment it felt like two years ago and he wants to stay in this moment but it’s broken when Sebastian’s phone flashes to life with a text message.

_Mark Webber_ displays on the screen.

Heikki pulls his hand back and quickly puts the past back behind them. Sebastian flips his phone over. “It’s really not what you think.”

“I’m not thinking anything,” Heikki answers.

“If you think for one moment that Mark and I are spending time away together telling each other I love yous, that’s _not_ the case.”

“Okay Sebastian.”

“I read his book,” Sebastian keeps babbling. “We were texting about it…”

“Seb,” Heikki cuts him off. “It’s okay.” Sebastian closes his mouth and they stop talking about Mark, about the past. Instead they focus on the now. And it’s nice, it’s really nice. When they walk out, the restaurant closing they stand on the pavement and look up at the sky.

“Storm?” Sebastian asks confused because there was a distinct lack of rain despite the sky lighting up in jagged patterns. He holds out his hand to feel for rain.

“Lightning storm,” Heikki answers and smiles at the irony before his gaze lingers on Sebastian’s wrist. And instead of his Timer there was now an almost imperceptible scar.

Sebastian licks his lips nervously when he notices Heikki staring. “I gave it up,” Sebastian shrugs. “I made a decision, and from now on, I make all them. And things are going to get better.”

“I don’t doubt,” Heikki agrees. “You deserve better.”

Sebastian gives him a tight smile before looking away.

“Don’t put an umbrella up on the way back to the hotel,” he warns as they part. They walk away then, heading down opposite paths, and Heikki takes a deep breath, as his eyes drift to the sky. Maybe somewhere, an Australian was being struck, or maybe there wasn’t. It didn’t matter now anyway. He fishes out his phone when it vibrates in his pocket and stares at the message he’d received.

_I love you_.

He smiles and swipes his fingers across the screen touching the message from Sebastian. _I love you too_.

It’s a message he doesn’t send. After all he once tried to beat fate, and it fucking arrested his ass.

*             *             *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully it wasn't too shoddy as I ease myself back into writing. i wish I could start with small steps rather than long drawn out fic. Oh well.
> 
> Hopefully I get to finish the first part of this before I move to the final part.

**Author's Note:**

> Probably not my best work, but it still feels nice to post again. I will try and post the second part in the next week or so.


End file.
